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Happy Mother’s Day! I started off with the mala meditation and pranayama. So delish. And now an unscheduled day ahead as we are doing a rain-date for our socially distanced Mother’s Day byo picnic with my parents. Gonna make some tea and finish my book!

I did my mala meditation for a start today, and feeling a little wander-ish with my time this morning. Part of me wants to ‘get to work’ and do online yoga class and meditation. Part of me wants to lay on the daybed and read and play solitaire. And part of me wants to do a little bit of yoga on my own, as recommended by my 40 days crew.

Right now, the middle option is appealing. One of my mottoes is “The truth is in the middle”. So maybe meditation with Kim and yoga with me 🙂 stay tuned…

None of that happened.

I had to drive up to Hudson to pick up my djembe drum that had been reskinned. It’s been ready awhile but I haven’t been ready to go. Today, the long drive seemed like a good idea. I did a driveway grab of my beautiful djembe, and then called my son and talked to him the whole way back. It really settled me.

When I returned, I shared this on Warrior One Facebook page:

You know, every time I come to Warrior One, in real life and virtually, I hear the message “Nothing is wrong with you” and I didn’t realize until just this week, journaling in my 40 day group and talking with the other participants, just how deeply I have failed to embrace that message.

It’s really deep and dark inside me, but the light is getting in the cracks now. The cracks that this community have chipped away in my shell.

Kim, I know this message is a foundational truth of all you’ve built, and I look forward to the day when I COMPLETELY embrace myself just the way I am, and then shine that truth out for others to see, like you all do for me now. Thank you. I love you all! 

So I’m working on that…that I’m NOT wrong/in need of fixing/secretly horrible…. AND that I am on a path to be better, always, all ways.

Fri-YAY!

This day did not include meditation in the morning. I’m not sure why. I slept a little later, til about 7, and a Whole Foods order was being shopped and delivered before work, and I ended up falling right into the busy. That’s a pattern I’d like to keep working on.

I felt like the work day went well, with equanimity – our theme for Week 3.

Before dinner, I went for a 2.23 mile run/walk, in honor of Ahmaud Abery, who was hunted and gunned down in Ga on 2/23 while out for a run. May 8th was his birthday. First one in heaven. That kind of served as my reflection time for the day.

Because it took longer than expected, and I was feeling overprogrammed in general, I skipped the 40 days meeting. I hope to catch up with the recap, and do the journaling here. I enjoyed a nice evening with my husband and headed to bed early.

Peaceful ending to a busy but good week. VITALITY!

Today I managed to sleep a little later which was much needed, and I did my meditation with pranayama. I’m up to holding/breathing for 8 counts (breathe in 8, hold 8, breathe out 8, hold 8). I tried one at ten but was struggling.

I also posted in my 40 day group asking for help in getting a personal yoga practice going. I have some weird mental/emotional block about it. I got some good suggestions, quoted anonymously here:

What has helped me, especially with this program is 1) setting a dedicated time for my daily practice, 2) having a dedicated space… I also have enjoyed writing down the practice from the book before hand and just flowing through it at my own pace with music on. 

I was able to really immerse myself in it doing live classes on zoom. It made all the difference for me signing up for classes and knowing others were there as well in real time vs videos.

Here’s a few thoughts…

1. Big one—There’s nothing wrong with you! we all have areas where we don’t do the things we know we should do. A wise person once told me “don’t should on yourself” ?

2. Maybe going outside and not having to label it is “I’m now going to do yoga “ would help too- like take a walk and get to a park and just a few yin poses to relax

3. Lastly, start small – maybe that’s one minute not ten – I find breaking things down to smaller parts can help- success builds on success so a minute today is two minutes tomorrow or next week…

i had to find a space in my house that i could really made my own.

I had created a kind of schedule, for me to be accountable with myself to really practice.

I also came to peace with feeling no guilt for my time 

Make yourself a fun music playlist or follow warrior one on spotify. If I turn up the music loud, chill in child’s pose…. it gets me going. I explore variations of journey into power and lose myself in the breath and movement. But it took me a long time to cultivate this home practice so don’t beat yourself about it. Don’t think about it too much just do it. ?

Put it on your calendar. If it’s on the calendar you have to do it!!

There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. No more shoulds, and lower your expectations (no more the amount of time you should practice).

I suggest starting small. Perhaps commit to 3-5 Sun A’s after connecting to your breath in child’s pose for 1-2 mins. Or stand in mountain and focus on your breath. I truly feel powerful in this pose. Engage/activate your entire body and just breathe with the feeling.

Schedule a zoom class and put it on your calendar. Don’t cancel on yourself. And give yourself permission to just lay there or leave the meeting if you truly aren’t feeling it in 15 mins.

I relate to you. I have every tool imaginable to do the things at home, and it’s has taken this quarantine to get me to finally use them. And some days, I still don’t/just can’t. And each day is day to begin again.

Nothing is wrong! but this is something NEW. Maybe you don’t do a physical practice every day -so what- AND you are realizing where you are spending those 30 minutes… and THAT is awareness. These 6 weeks are about creating awareness! Around your life and where you put your attention (most of the time we put our attention what we’re NOT doing and creating drama around that) What I read is that you have an abundance of resources and having activities/things to do mean you are alive

Starting off well with meditation and quiet time. Adding pranayama to my mantra meditation to make it ten minutes long, and the breathing feels sooo good, plus exercises those lungs!

I’m off this morning to pick up a farm-share box I bought. More fresh and healthy food + helping local farmers = win!

Today was another good start day – morning meditation, breakfast, some personal time, and a shower and real clothes before sitting down to work.

Busy busy work day but felt more productive, so that’s good. For Cinco de Mayo I cooked dinner!!! And I made this delish vegetarian chilaquile casserole so we’ll have some leftovers for the rest of the week. Enjoyed hanging with the hubby and an earlier bedtime – avoiding politics and covid on the news to sleep better.

Since I was the chef, I didn’t really get my evening chill time, and I didn’t walk or do yoga either. Today was about a C.

Now this is more like it! After yesterday’s time management and poor choices debacle, I feel I’m back on track and ready for a new week. I woke up early, did ten minutes of meditation, took a half hour walk (sorry yoga), showered, got dressed in real clothes, and I still have an hour before my job starts!

What a busy day this was…more work like a nut case, but feeling like things are at least manageable there. I focused on stopping to eat breakfast and lunch at reasonable times, with reasonable foods.

I took a break to venture out to the mailbox place, with my mask and sanitary wipe, to pick up mail and pay my box rental. Folks seemed to be maintaining social distancing and most wore masks which was comforting to me. I drove by one of our favorite restaurants which has taken the parking lot and added spaced apart tables for their re-opening yesterday. It felt hopeful, and like they cared.

After work, I went on a nice sunset time walk with my husband. There’s a pond near our house that has all sorts of ducks, birds, turtles, and other wildlife, and we like to walk around it and see all the changes each day. It’s a good way for us to connect too.

Then Monday night burger night with him was a perfect ending.

I didn’t do yoga or evening meditation, but I felt it was a more manageable day in general, and focused on VITALITY!

I don’t even know where to begin to tell you about all the ways Day 10 was NOT on plan….

This morning I did make time for meditation, and since my mala meditation is only about 5-6 minutes, and Week 2 requires 10, I did a mindfulness sitting meditation for the remainder of the time. I kinda sucked at getting present, but the candle I had lit helped me return.

I wrote up all my notes from last night’s meeting and put them in the Day 8 log. I haven’t really accomplished much else and have felt a little scattered and tired today. Adjusting to the new full time position is challenging. But I did get to talk with my son and I have to say I LOVE the adult version of him. He’s really interesting and funny and I like him as a human, not just as my son.

So I did a short walk with dog and husband, and I’m thinking of heading back out for another walk alone rather than yoga. Sometimes I need to be outside more than doing asana. Especially after so much time spent on my butt staring at a screen…I’ll let you know!

Just back from a half hour walk listening to a podcast instead of nature. But it was still nice to be outside!

My husband had to work late so I jumped into the Warrior One yoga dance party tonight and got to enjoy Kim’s meditation, and do a little yoga and a lot of dancing/wiggling and enjoying our great community. It put a happy spin on the end of my day! Maybe I could get used to meditation and/or yoga at night, too!

Today I fell back asleep for an hour and took a shower and haven’t yet made time to meditate or eat breakfast, and my workday is already started and I feel a lot scattered. I think I may take a pause and reset, at least on meditation and breakfast. Will report more later. Really happy it’s Friday but not sure about making the meeting tonight….argh…..

I did not meditate. I did not walk or do yoga. I barely ate breakfast and I snacked for lunch. I sat on Zoom meetings all day, from one to another. I am still in my pajamas, but I am attending the group meeting tonight, and rededicating myself to the practice again.

And on we go…

WEEK 2: VITALITY

[Notes from 2nd group meeting] Almost 40 of us met again in Zoom, and we first reflected on our Week 1 experiences, then prepped for Week 2, with the theme of Vitality, which feels perfect for me! We had different breakout groups this week, and I enjoyed time to reflect (quickly) on our thoughts in a more intimate group.

 Week 1 Recap:

1. What is opening up for you out of week 1? – I still put myself last, especially physically. I really wanted to bail out of the 40 days but I decided to hang in.
2. Breakdowns, breakthroughs, and insights? – Insight/breakthrough was taking my journaling online to this website. I had a breakdown with asana practice and my new working schedule of 8:30-5pm daily minimum.
3. How much did you participate in meditation, asana, diet, journaling? – 75% meditation, 10% asana, 50% diet and 90% journaling. Overall I get a C/D this week.
4. Do you have integrity around the program week 1? – I feel I have integrity in being honest about my lack of commitment. I need to use my planner and maybe a timer/alarm clock.

Law 3: Step out of your comfort zone

1. What does life look like for you in your comfort zone? – my comfort zone is to work too much and be very busy.
2. What are some strategies you could employ to notice when you are getting stuck in your comfort zone? A timer for tasks, using my planner and planning for ‘me time’, maybe a buddy to check in with me.
3. When you have insight that you are stopping short of showing up fully for others, because of your comfort zone, how will you challenge that in action? – I feel like I need a rubber band around my wrist to snap when I catch myself, like when you are trying to stop a habit like smoking. Awareness is my first step.

Law 4: Commit to growth

1. What does it look like when you are in reaction mode (in yoga practice and in life)?
2. Where in your life are you creating drama? What are the facts? What do you make it mean?
3. What does it look like when you stay committed to your own growth? (life and yoga practice)
4. What are you committed to having a breakthrough in? What does staying committed to your breakthrough make possible?

I commit to having a breakthrough in self-care.

I will be more joyful and happier. I will NOT be selfish.