Santosha…the 2nd Niyama, and my life

“The Niyamas lead us towards a more positive relationship with ourselves, which is important as we cannot form authentic and sustainable relationships with others until the connection with ourselves is strong. ”

(from https://www.ekhartyoga.com/articles/philosophy/santosha-contentment)

I chose to deepen my yoga practice by participating in Tymi’s Teacher Training. I chose to deepen my understanding of the Niyama, Santosha, because…well..because I’m tired of feeling inauthentic, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, and oldest child of three, I am remarkably well prepared for dealing with chaos and crazy. So much so, that I often search out, create, or stir the pot to get some crazy so I can like myself better for having ‘handled it’. I readily don my superhero cape and rush into burning buildings, offer (often unsolicited) advice and try to fix things I perceive as being wrong in others, or in the world. While action in the face of adversity is admirable, and not something I want to erase entirely from my way of being, I know that I also must find happiness and peace within. I long for the contentment at the core of Santosha.

I think in the last few months I’ve had a glimmer of how Santosha fits into my inner life. With the pandemic running rampant, many lifestyle changes are needed to stay healthy and alive. I chose to embrace these changes, and to accept them in my world. Essentially creating a ‘new normal’. While some people feel distraught over lack of in-person school for their children, demand tuition reduction at universities, refuse to wear masks to protect others, and generally carry on with their lives and ignore the death and devastation around them, I’ve found a peace inside myself. Maybe it is this perfect crossroads of my ability and comfort with chaos blended with a chaotic world to live in. In many ways, I feel I was born during this time of pandemic gifted with skills that will help me find Santosha in the midst of it all.

But there is more to Santosha than sitting in devastation feeling skilled to cope with it, and in no particular hurry to change things. There is the subtle part of it – contentment with ME – that I want to explore. My sister is so good at being happy and joyful. That’s something that always comes hard for me, that pure joy of being in the moment and knowing the moment is perfect. Of being in this body and knowing that the body is perfect. Of being this spirit and knowing my soul is perfect. I long for THAT contentment. I get little glimpses, but I want to live life to the fullest in WIDE OPEN Santosha!

The answer lies in non-attachment. When I ‘help’ others, I get my ego stroked (often) and I self-congratulate myself for all the DOING. What is missing is contentment and acceptance of my very BEING. To trust that I am a good person, lovable, worthy of taking up space on the planet, just for the fact of my BEING here. In the Montessori way, I need the intrinsic rewards to find happiness, not extrinsic. I need to find contentment within, instead of waiting for a trophy or medal.

It’s time to focus on Self and not self. I am such a harsh critic of myself. If I sit to read a book, I am wasting time that could be spent on a myriad of tasks I have assigned myself. I look longingly at pictures of friends sitting on their decks enjoying a sunset, because when or if I try that, my mind is spinning with a million projects to do or things unaccomplished. True relaxation is elusive to me. And if I can’t find that peace and stillness within, I can’t dive deeper – like in meditation. How many days are my morning meditations mostly a mental run-through of my To-Do list for the day? ARGH!

And the critic, the inner judge, who is never satisfied. If I cannot find the contentment within myself, I cannot extend that grace to others. Put your own oxygen mask on first.