Category: Manifest Yoga Teacher Training Time

And now the next assignment – Sun Salutation B. I got out the tripod for my phone to get a better angle, and waited til kitty was napping. Every time it gets a little better and easier!

This morning I added Sun Salutation A for the complete homework assignment.

The dog is sleeping but kitty joined in. My camera was aimed too high but I got through it and I think had just a few miscues and one missed flat back inhale.

Always room to improve, but progress not perfection is my 2021 goal!

Now that I feel like I can breathe again, I’m back on track working on finishing YTT. This morning I tried recording classical sun salutation and here is the result. My students behaved horribly, and I need to tuck in my shirt. But I got the sequence I think! Next I’ll add sun salutation A to finish that homework assignment.

I decided that I was having perfectionistic procrastination on some of the homework so I decided to try recording myself today as I did my personal pranayama practice. These things I’ve already noticed:

• camera needs to be further back so I don’t show myself grabbing my crotch to demo proper seat. Likewise the remote microphone seems like an essential as the recording was pretty quiet even that close up (turn up volume)
• A less loose top will help me demonstrate bastrika and kalibathi better. A bra might be a good idea too 
• I totally forgot the word kalibathi
• I need a better timer solution – looking for sand timers now
• It takes a LOT of concentration to demo and teach at the same time!
• I CANNOT manage to count on the inhale during nadhi sodhana very well, and I sure can’t do OMs and keep track of 8, plus I got mixed up on the sides once or twice. I just kept going
• Since I was doing the mala meditation anyway, I threw it in there. I think I did 109 OMs but oh well…
• Having the cat give me and herself a bath during the meditation was interesting. She LOVES being in videos for some reason.

Here’s the rough cut: Ann McGregor’s Pranayama Meditation – first attempt

Date: Jun 29, 2020 07:34 AM Eastern Time (US and Canada)

Recording:

I wanted to express my gratitude for two specific things I received the past few days from our training.

First was the reminder that our meditation, and specific pranayama practice, is a kriya, and that means LITERALLY a cleansing. I’ve been experiencing some ‘symptoms’ that made me concerned I might be getting sick, or worse, COVID, but thinking about the kriya and the fact that I’ve been regularly doing the pranayama for two weeks now, gave me some breathing room and today those symptoms have passed and I feel lighter and ‘cleaner’!

Second is from the Sutras I-38: “Or serenity can come by letting the mind be grounded in knowledge that has arisen from dreams or from the dreamless state of deep sleep”

My whole life I get what I call ‘nuggets’ that have truly changed my life, and I might say ‘my internal wiring’. They often come in dreams, like a short phrase or sentence, or even a movie sequence. Sometimes they come from a thing someone says to me, that just sort of plugs into me on a different level than cognitively. It was really cool to see that this idea is thousands of years old, and supported by the Sutras.

Some examples, in my 20s I was heading down a self-destructive party-girl path because I wasn’t living authentically. My mom said to me ‘The world needs your brain’ and literally the next day I changed my life 360 degrees.

Another time, a few years ago, my dream said ‘You are the heart of compassion’. And most recently, just a few nights ago, when I slept restlessly and anxious about the symptoms I was feeling in my body, my dream said ‘It is time to embrace your role as an elder’.

It’s hard to describe the internal peace or serenity these experiences have created inside of my soul, but they are real and profound. To me, they are messages from God/Goddess/AllThatIs, and I am grateful to learn more about this way of living, this path of listening to those voices and finding my soul purpose.

“The Niyamas lead us towards a more positive relationship with ourselves, which is important as we cannot form authentic and sustainable relationships with others until the connection with ourselves is strong. ”

(from https://www.ekhartyoga.com/articles/philosophy/santosha-contentment)

I chose to deepen my yoga practice by participating in Tymi’s Teacher Training. I chose to deepen my understanding of the Niyama, Santosha, because…well..because I’m tired of feeling inauthentic, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, and oldest child of three, I am remarkably well prepared for dealing with chaos and crazy. So much so, that I often search out, create, or stir the pot to get some crazy so I can like myself better for having ‘handled it’. I readily don my superhero cape and rush into burning buildings, offer (often unsolicited) advice and try to fix things I perceive as being wrong in others, or in the world. While action in the face of adversity is admirable, and not something I want to erase entirely from my way of being, I know that I also must find happiness and peace within. I long for the contentment at the core of Santosha.

I think in the last few months I’ve had a glimmer of how Santosha fits into my inner life. With the pandemic running rampant, many lifestyle changes are needed to stay healthy and alive. I chose to embrace these changes, and to accept them in my world. Essentially creating a ‘new normal’. While some people feel distraught over lack of in-person school for their children, demand tuition reduction at universities, refuse to wear masks to protect others, and generally carry on with their lives and ignore the death and devastation around them, I’ve found a peace inside myself. Maybe it is this perfect crossroads of my ability and comfort with chaos blended with a chaotic world to live in. In many ways, I feel I was born during this time of pandemic gifted with skills that will help me find Santosha in the midst of it all.

But there is more to Santosha than sitting in devastation feeling skilled to cope with it, and in no particular hurry to change things. There is the subtle part of it – contentment with ME – that I want to explore. My sister is so good at being happy and joyful. That’s something that always comes hard for me, that pure joy of being in the moment and knowing the moment is perfect. Of being in this body and knowing that the body is perfect. Of being this spirit and knowing my soul is perfect. I long for THAT contentment. I get little glimpses, but I want to live life to the fullest in WIDE OPEN Santosha!

The answer lies in non-attachment. When I ‘help’ others, I get my ego stroked (often) and I self-congratulate myself for all the DOING. What is missing is contentment and acceptance of my very BEING. To trust that I am a good person, lovable, worthy of taking up space on the planet, just for the fact of my BEING here. In the Montessori way, I need the intrinsic rewards to find happiness, not extrinsic. I need to find contentment within, instead of waiting for a trophy or medal.

It’s time to focus on Self and not self. I am such a harsh critic of myself. If I sit to read a book, I am wasting time that could be spent on a myriad of tasks I have assigned myself. I look longingly at pictures of friends sitting on their decks enjoying a sunset, because when or if I try that, my mind is spinning with a million projects to do or things unaccomplished. True relaxation is elusive to me. And if I can’t find that peace and stillness within, I can’t dive deeper – like in meditation. How many days are my morning meditations mostly a mental run-through of my To-Do list for the day? ARGH!

And the critic, the inner judge, who is never satisfied. If I cannot find the contentment within myself, I cannot extend that grace to others. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

This week I started Tymi Howard Bender Manifest Yoga 3 week Teacher Training 100 Hour course. Tymi is my ‘guru’ of a yoga teacher, and I’ve practiced with and learned from her for many years. When she announced the virtual YTT I knew I had to find a way to make it work. All sessions are recorded, so I’m able to ‘attend’ the ones I can’t make in real time. It’s challenging to fit it into my regular work week, but I’m committed.

Each week day there are two sessions dedicated just to us – a meditation/pranayama session in the morning, and a lecture session in the afternoon. I’ve made about half the morning sessions and all the lectures so far. There are also 2-3 yoga classes each day we can/should attend. I’ve been at the two 6am classes this week.

Weekends I hope to play catch up, and attend Saturday sessions in real time.

I’ll use this space to journal my thoughts and feelings, and write homework assignments.

I am feeling grateful and humble and excited….